Every so often I get a note — always well-meaning, always apologetic — from a man who tells me that he had to take his device off.
Why?
Because he had a doctor’s appointment.
Or a massage.
Or he was going to the gym and someone might see something in the changing room... and he didn't want to “force his kink” on someone else (one guy even told me he had to take it off at the gym in case someone saw the bulge in his shorts — please, grow the fuck up).
And they message me, I think, hoping I'll somehow give them my approval, a nod of acceptance they've done the right thing.
Nope.
I call bullshit on this.
I call bullshit on all of this.
Let me be blunt: it's not compassion; it's not consideration; and it's not empathy. It's cowardice dressed up as the moral high ground.
You can't "make" anyone feel anything
The trope about not “forcing your kink” is a lie you tell yourself when we you're actually just self-conscious, embarrassed, or ashamed.
Let’s call it what it is: you were afraid of what others might think, fearful of their negative opinion and judgement.
And that’s okay — but own it.
You’re not protecting the world from discomfort. You’re protecting yourself from the fact chastity — real, meaningful, integrated chastity — is something you cannot always hide.
Your device is not a toy you wear in secret and put away when things get real. If you want it to be part of your life, then it has to be part of your life.
That means taking it with you into the world. Even into fluorescent doctors' offices, dimly lit massage rooms, and testosterone-filled gyms.
Because here’s the truth: You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. And thank the gods for that, because if you were, you’d never leave the house.
As Epictetus wrote:
“It’s not things themselves that disturb us, but our opinions about them.”
The idea that you can “make” someone uncomfortable by simply existing as yourself — locked, devoted, maybe even a bit desperate — is absurd.
Healthy adult human beings have the ability and responsibility to control their feelings. If individuals lack the skill or self-awareness to do so or even know it's possible, then that's a failing and weakness in them. It's not for everyone else to tiptoe around them to protect the feelings.
Do you change your clothing because someone might not like your shoes?
Do you hide your wedding ring in case someone’s sad about their divorce?
Do you hide your kids away in case the couple who can't conceive is "triggered"?
You don’t stop being you because someone else might feel a twinge about it.
When you remove your device because of a possibility that someone might see it and think something, you’ve broken your word to yourself. And you’ve treated your own life — your deepest desires and discipline — as something shameful.
Let me give you a real-world example.
A few weeks ago, John was in a serious accident on his bike when a young drive ploughed into him from behind because he was more interested in cleaning his windscreen than watching the road (according to the doctors it should have been fatal — John's years of weights and cardio paid off big time).
He ended up in hospital overnight. Full exam. CAT scan on his brain. X-rays. Observations. Tests. Surgery. The works.
And... all the while he was wearing his Bijou.
And did he remove it?
Of course not. There was no way he could even if he wanted to, since he didn't have the key.
Did anyone say anything?
Not a word.
Does he think anyone even noticed?
Nope.
And most important of all, he didn’t care. He had bigger things to worry about — like breathing, for one — and frankly, his chastity device is part of who he is now.
Just like his wedding ring. Or his bad jokes.
He wasn't “forcing a kink” on the doctors and nurses and more than wearing a crucifix around your neck is forcing your religion on others.
He was just living his life.
Let’s be clear: I’m not suggesting you strut around naked with chrome, titanium, and carbon fibre dangling in full view.
Of course you should be discreet and decent.
But discreet and secretive are not the same thing.
Discretion is respectful; secrecy is self-loathing.
If you’re gay , you don’t “hide” being gay in case someone’s "made" uncomfortable by it; if you’re a straight, you don’t pretend to be asexual to keep things neutral; and if you wear a chastity device — because you feel it makes you a better man, a more present partner, a more disciplined soul — you shouldn’t pretend you don’t.
You’re not imposing anything on anyone. You’re living by your values.
The very idea of “forcing a kink” on someone by existing is one of the most self-destructive bits of cultural gaslighting I’ve ever seen.
You don’t owe the world palatability.
You owe yourself integrity.
And as Seneca said:
“A man who suffers before it is necessary, suffers more than is necessary.”
So don’t suffer the humiliation of hiding from something you chose, love, and live for — before it’s even been questioned.
Wear it. Own it. Live it.
Even under the hospital gown.
